The Beginning

I was never a skinny little kid and for the most part that didn't bother me.  I wasn't overweight either, but I definitely was curvy compared to my friends who were thin as sticks.  I was never told by old ladies that they needed to "put some meat on those bones" but rather they needed to "keep those curves in place."  As a little kid, my curves never even crossed my mind.  In Junior High, when girls start to change, my already curvy toosh got curvier, my thighs got bigger, and my waist seemed to get a little smaller giving me a shape I was proud of.  What I wasn't proud of was my little bit of tummy.  I was very physically fit and doing Karate 2-4 times a week, but that little poof made me feel like all my curves were ugly and unattractive- especially when my all of my friends were tall, very, very thin, volleyball and soccer players.  They could all share clothes and I couldn't.  These insecurities got worse in high school as I started to put on a little weight.  I was still fit and well within "average" but I started to get headaches, I was having a harder time keeping weight off, and I was exhausted much of the time.  High school was not easy on me socially and when boys weren't interested in me, I immediately blamed my body, not my social standing within the class.

Things got to their worst in my junior and senior year of high school.  My weight was the highest it had been and due to stress, headaches, and a very high level of physical activity, my periods stopped. Completely.  I figured it was due to everything that was going on in my life.  When I graduated, I literally skipped out of the gymnasium.  That summer, after graduating and getting my black belt in karate, I thought everything would return to normal.  No more stress, no more karate.  But things didn't.  I kept getting heavier and heavier and more and more exhausted.  That August of 2010, I went to the doctor for a hormone panel and they recommended I get a brain MRI.  Worried, I conceded and the first Friday of my college career, I was called and informed I had a benign brain tumor on the pituitary called a Prolactinoma.  The next two months were a blur of me being the sickest I had ever been in my life and setting up a treatment plan.  Going to the grocery store was exhausting, driving to campus and taking my 2 classes took everything I had.  I dropped down to 2 classes from my initial 6 and I still could barely keep up.  I spent most days curled up on my carpet with a pillow and my books.  Eventually I was put on medication and month by month, started to feel a little better.

Time went on and in 2012 I decided to move to Los Angeles to be with the man I love.  That story is for another blog post when I'm feeling super romantic but for now let's just say it was the best decision I ever made to quit school and move down here.  I had started to get more fit up in Idaho as I was getting healthier hormonally and as the tumor was shrinking but all my hard work went away when I moved here.  There is so much food at such cheap prices that is so delicious my weight shot up.  And has continued to shoot up.  When I was at my sickest I weighed 142.  At my 5'5" height I wasn't happy with the way I looked.  When I got down to my pre-tumor size I was back to 132.  I still had my curves but I was healthy.  I moved when I weighed 132 and in the last two years I am officially at my highest weight of my life at 164.  I am embarrassed, my clothes don't fit, I am extremely self conscious, I don't feel sexy and thus my intimacy has plummeted with my boyfriend.  Everything about my life right now is low.  I don't exercise, I eat poorly, I don't sleep enough, and I just feel yucky.  So this week my mom bought me a pedometer and I bought myself an exercise mat and some workout clothes to go sweat in.  I know I don't walk or move enough and I firmly believe the pedometer will motivate me to move more every single day.

So this is the beginning.  The beginning of my new journey.  The last 4 years of my life have been about trying to shrink my tumor (which it slowly is going away).  The rest of my life starts now.  I will no longer neglect the other parts of my health.  It is time to get back in control.